Result

The week of waiting for my BAP result was, without question, the hardest week I’ve ever lived through. Anything life changing must be tough to deal with but I’d no idea how much I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything else aside from how I’d done in BAP.

And what I’d do if the answer was no.

There’s something vaguely strange about seeing the Bishop’s name and number flash up on your phone. You rush off to find a quiet place to talk, hoping no-one in work sees the colour drain from your face. You try to keep your voice from shaking.

None of that matters when he tells you you’ve been recommended.

Euphoria.

Much of the rest of the conversation is a blur. But it’s there. I’m going. Glory to God in the highest!

Now…where to study…?

BAP

Some time ago, I went to my BAP – which is the culmination of the national selection process attended by all candidates for ordination in the Church of England. It comes after many months and years of preparation, reflection and prayer – and after the completion of a lot of paperwork!

Reflecting on the days I spent in that environment brings back a whole host of feelings and emotions. At the end of the last day I was fairly spent physically – it really takes it out of you. A lot of wondering “could I have answered that in a slightly better way?” And there is always a nagging fear at the back of your mind. It’s no small thing to offer your life and yourself to God in service. What if the answer is no? Where does that leave us? Those questions have stayed with me ever since I returned home.

But how spiritually uplifting the whole thing was! I was privileged to meet some wonderful people whose faith and witness to Jesus Christ was amazing to see. Everyone was so gracious and generous with time and prayer. I thanked God for bringing me to that place at that time – after all, the journey is as important as the destination.

And how did I do? Well, that’s a story for another time…

Funny feelings

There’s a caveat to my vocation story: I didn’t receive a billboard from heaven or have God speak to me to tell me I should be a priest. That’s not how I came to be on this journey. For some it can be, although that tends to be an important first step rather than the whole picture.

Recently, I’ve spoken to a lot of people who are thinking about offering themselves for ordination. For some, like me, it can be an inkling, a feeling that grows over time. In my experience, that happens if you spend Sundays at places like this:

feastofstjohncantius200mo3During mass this morning, I must admit I got lost in what was going on with my own situation and wasn’t totally focused on what was happening in church (should I go to confession for that?).

I always get a tingling whenever I enter a church, and it’s heightened during the Mass. And today I wondered what that was. Is it God working in a way I can’t comprehend? Is this feeling the driver behind me pursuing this path?

I don’t doubt it’s part of it. But I think it’s a major facet. And more importantly, this has become something I feel I can’t ignore any longer. That more than anything is why I looked deeper into this feeling.

Support

Vocation is something that is personal by its very nature. Yet I’ve been amazed by the amount of people who offer support and advice once they here that you’re offering yourself for ordination. Most important of all are those who say they’ll remember you in their prayers.

It can be really daunting to offer yourself for ordination. But don’t forget, there are a number of areas where you can get really good advice. The Church of England’s own website is full of useful information, and there are a number of vocation specific websites around. Click here for a very good one indeed.

But before all of that, my advice would always be to talk to a priest. Your own parish priest is ideal, but anyone who is ordained will have been through the process – or at least a version of it. My first step came with a chat to my priest, and even trying to frame the words helped to get my mind’s “filing cabinet” in order. It was by no means the only conversation I’ve had with him since, but that initial period of talking through my thoughts and feelings was invaluable.

Do listen to what they have to say though, and also don’t hesitate to ask them questions when they arise. The chances are the more you explore, the more you’ll want to know.

It’s an exciting journey.

By way of introduction…

10 Things About Me

  1. I have written blogs previously. This is the first one I’m writing concerning anything to do with my faith, and my journey of discernment. Of all the posts I’m going to write for this particular blog, I think this is going to be the hardest.
  2. I live in a city in England and worship at a church which is by no means the nearest to my house.
  3. I’ve been a Christian since I was very young. My parents are both Christians and church was a regular feature of my childhood.
  4. The best film I watched last year was an epic filmed in Japan. It was made around the time I was born and has aged much better than me.
  5. I’m an ordinary bloke who likes sport and music and I have an ordinary job.
  6. I watch lots of American drama on TV.
  7. The last book I read which had nothing to do with theology was the diary of a professional cricketer’s season. It was fascinating.
  8. The best meal I ever had was in France when I was a youth.
  9. Some of my friends would be really surprised at the point I’m about to make. Most wouldn’t.
  10. My faith in God has anchored me, mostly subconsciously, since I was very young. For this reason, amongst others, I’m taking steps to see if God has another purpose for me. Is He calling me to holy orders? Am I genuinely meant to be a priest? I’m scared, elated, humbled and confused, all at the same time. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ll be feeling some of those emotions. My wish is that this blog might help those on their path.